Love & Money: Rules of Engagement

Love is a game that two can play and both win.

~ Eva Gabor

Update: This post is included in The Carnival of Personal Finance CCXLIV at Len Penzo dot Com. Thanks!

Our Love & Money series continues today with a look at how to handle money with your partner. Conflict over money is always right near, if not at, the top of the list of reasons for divorce. This goes right in line with my theory that if you can find balance in your financial life, it can spread to other areas. Given the divorce statistics, the converse seems to be true as well.

So how can both players win at the game of love without money mucking up a good thing?

• Resign yourself to the fact that it’s not easy.
• Agree on the rules and follow them.

I recently did a book review of All Your Worth by Warren and Tyagi, and they offered 8 Golden Rules of Money and Relationships. I’m going to summarize them briefly here, but if you’re interested in really understanding them, I would highly recommend that you read the book. They give lots of real-life examples and details that really bring their points home.

1. What’s Mine Is Yours: If you’re married, this is pretty much the law. A joint chequing account helps you both know where you stand. Both partners need to take responsibility for all debts, savings, and decisions. If you also choose separate accounts, no secrets are allowed. Both partners need to know everything so that you both know where you stand financially.

2. Be Truthful & Make It Easy for Your Partner to Be Truthful: Both partners will make mistakes occasionally. Your partner needs to know they can come clean without nasty consequences.

3. Stop Playing the Blame Game: You’re in this together. Getting along, sharing the blame, and forgiveness are good for both of you.

4. Give Each Other Some Free Money: This is a set amount of money for each partner that can be spent any way you like.

5. Keep Money Issues Separate from the Real Stuff: Sometimes fights about money really aren’t about the money.

6. Fight Fair: The intimate relationship you share with your partner means you know their weak spots. Never ever hit below the belt.

7. Divide & Conquer: You absolutely need to share decisions equally, but you do not have to share the tasks involved in managing your money and your lives down the middle. You do the stuff you’re good at and let your partner do what he/she does best. Roles tend to sort themselves out over time.

8. Learn the Art of Compromise: Keep your focus on the big picture. Don’t let the small stuff ruin your relationship. Presumably you are with your partner because you care a great deal about one another. Surely that means you can each give in on one or two small points. Still, your larger goals should be shared.

I thought all of these were great guidelines for any couple. There will always be disagreements in any relationship. It’s OK to have conflict sometimes, and even to say things we really don’t mean. But some things are not OK. It’s not OK to treat someone you care about with a lack of respect. It’s not OK to verbally or physically harm your partner. If I had to give any advice to a young couple just starting out, it would be the following:

Draw a line together. Always know where that line is, and NEVER cross it.

Mr. Cents and I have been married for 17 years and some of them have been rockier than others. But no matter how exhausted, irritated, or overwhelmed we have been, we have never crossed that line.

What do you think? Do you and your partner have any rules of engagement?