Mother’s Day Confessions: Lessons from My Children

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

~ Rajneesh

I love the quote above. But I can see how some might interpret it as an endorsement of the idea that women are meant to be mothers and aren’t good for much else. It’s another call for women to give up their own identities and give in to the reality that we are here to serve others. Um … no. That’s not what it means to me.

I’m a well-educated female who gave up career aspirations to stay home with kids. I don’t contend that this is the right choice for everyone, and I refuse to get into the stay at home vs. work outside the home debate, especially near Mother’s Day. The reality (unfortunately) is that not every Mom is a good Mom. But any Mom who loves and cares for her children, whether she works outside the home or not, is a good Mom.

I’ve been a Mom for about 15 years now. I’d like to think I’ve taught my 3 boys a thing or two. But the truth is, I sometimes feel like I’ve learned more from them than they’ve learned from me. In that sense, being a mother really has made me a different person than I otherwise might have been. Far from stealing my identity, motherhood has refined and enhanced it.

Who’s the Moral Compass Here Anyway?

Truth and ethics have always been really important to me. I fancy myself to be a person of pretty high ethical standards. But, like most humans I often fall short of my ideals –  sometimes by a lot. If you struggle with this same malady, I have the antidote for you: Have kids.

If you’ve ever uttered a curse word only to hear it repeated later by your 3-year-old, you change your truck driver ways pretty fast. If you’ve ever had too much to drink and had to face your little one’s wide eyes at 6 A.M., you reform instantly. (That only happened to me once and I can barely write about it now without dialing up the Children’s Aid Society to report myself retroactively.)

If your attitude and outlook on life becomes a little too jaded as you get older, or if you ever say or do something that even remotely contradicts anything you’ve said in the presence of your child, you can count on the teenaged version of your formerly adoring progeny to point it out to you – with a hyperbolic dose of sarcasm. You may also be surprised to learn that you aren’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer – at least according to your teen – who apparently is.

I know that, as parents, we’re supposed to act as a moral compass for our children. I take that responsibility very seriously. But I’ve found over the years that they act as a moral compass for me too.

The Basics Matter & Kindness Pays Dividends

In the process of teaching our children, it’s almost impossible not to re-learn all of the basics. You know, like tell the truth, be nice to other people, clean up after yourself, etc.. I found that I really learned those lessons a lot better the second time around. You’d be surprised at the great life lessons you can get from Little Bear, The Berenstain Bears, and so many other great children’s shows.

Kindness is almost an inherent part of parenting. Your children need you. You have to do stuff for them. Every day. Around the clock. When you’re tired. When you’re sick. Whether they’re acting like angels or tyrants. It can be exhausting.

But when giving becomes an obligatory norm, we automatically collect dividends that we might not otherwise have known were available. Giving feels good. Sometimes repeated acts of kindness can accrue like credit card points. You can then use them when you really need them – like when you really need to say “no”, or take a break. And sometimes, usually when you least expect it, your kids will give back.

This Too Shall Pass

Having children isn’t easy. It’s not always full of telephone commercial moments. Not all issues resolve themselves in the span of a 30 minute television show. Don’t get me wrong. There are wonderful moments. But they usually come when you least expect them. And they often come on the heels of some pretty ugly ones.

Last Mother’s Day was shaping up to be a pretty ugly one for me. My 2 older boys were particularly adolescent during that period. To make matters worse, for the two weeks prior to that Sunday, all 3 of my boys had this horrendous stomach flu. They got it one at a time, so it went on for quite some time.

There was a lot of worrying, temperature-taking, and running up and down stairs with Jell-O. There were irritable young men asking why I had to take their temperature yet again, and if I asked them one more time how they were doing. . . Well, you get the picture. There weren’t many thank-you’s.

My youngest son got it last. He has a mortal fear of vomiting, so he was in denial for a few hours and consequently didn’t make it to the bathroom when his dinner made an impromptu curtain call. That necessitated quite the biohazard clean-up on my part. Not surprisingly, I caved in to the same flu bug the day before Mother’s Day.

This was no common cold. There were no sniffles, no sneezing and no sore throat. It hit like a ton of bricks and caused me to pass out in my room on the way to tell my husband that I thought I was getting very ill. That was the first time in my life I had ever fainted.

Instead of going to my sister’s place to celebrate with one of my favourite meals, I spent Mother’s Day in bed, having endured a night I don’t ever care to revisit. But in the morning, I received the best Mother’s Day gifts ever. All 3 of my boys came up with some of the most thoughtful gifts they’d ever given me, including lists of reasons why I’m a great Mom, and some eye-welling poetry.

On Monday, I was a little better, but still bed-ridden. My older sons were home from school and took turns checking on me to see how I was doing. One of them battled some pretty jiggly Jell-O and brought it upstairs to me. That was the most memorable, and the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had. (I hope this year’s is really boring! )

Enjoy the Ride

Raising children, like giving birth to them, is at once messy, beautiful, exhausting, exhilarating, heartbreaking and heartwarming. You’ll teach a lot. You’ll learn even more. It a rollercoaster ride that you’ll love and hate.  It will both nauseate and thrill you. If you’re a Mother, it will redefine you. And for me, that’s a good thing. Thanks boys!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms, Moms-to-Be, and people who act like Moms out there!

Do you have any great Mother’s Day stories to share? What have you learned from being a Mom? What have you learned from your Mom?